I would like to hand in my Membership Card

I have a confession to make: I hate Bridal Showers.

Actually, I hate non-watery showers in general. Oh, the idea is good: a bunch of people get together for a party to celebrate some big event in a friend or family member’s life. Hold the party at a local hall like the American Legion or the Polish Club: you know, some place with a bar, a bartender with a heavy hand, and really low prices. And someone should provide food. There should be chips, dips, pasta, cookies, and the like. Stuff that really sticks to your hips. Oh, and a cake.

So far, so good, right? Who doesn’t like a party? Especially when obscenely cheap booze is involved? No one!
Up until this point everything is great. But with showers, this is not where the planning ends. This is where the planning goes awry.

Somewhere along the line a sad demented woman decided that this was not enough. She thought to herself, “How can I torture and humiliate my loved ones?" As she sat in her dimly lit, doily filled sitting room with a pad of paper resting in her lap, her horde of cats mewed as they wound around her feet. She put pen to paper and let as many dastardly ideas as possible flow from her onto the paper regarding atmosphere, games, and gifts as her deranged mind could come up with.

The outline she created appears innocent to the uninitiated.

• Time: 1PM – 5:30PM 
• Children are welcome 
• Guests should be primarily female 
• Food 
• Games & Prizes 
• Presents/Favors 

The party doesn’t last overly long. Refreshments are provided. No one has to get a sitter because the kids are welcome! There will be games. And prizes!

A bare-boned outline like this seems great. Let’s flesh it out, shall we?

• Time: 1PM – 5:30PM
  This is prime nap time for small children 
• Children are welcome
  Kids will not get a decent nap because of the party time.
  Kids will be crabby and over-tired.
  Kids will be all hopped up on sugar and restless during the shower and after they leave (Food). 
• Guests should be primarily female
  The higher the estrogen levels in the room, the more competitive women become.
  Many women are concerned to the point of obsession with some physical attribute (Food) 
• Food
  over-cooked pasta with sauce
  meatballs
  cheese platter
  salad drenched in a high fat, high sugar dressing
  cookies
  chocolates
  cake 
• Games & Prizes
  group games such as Dress the Bride
  Bridal Bingo
  prizes: knick-knacks from the ultra-clearance wrack 
• Presents
  Have the bride and groom or parents-to-be sit at the front of the room and open their gifts for everyone to see. 

Even with more flesh on its bones, this really doesn’t look so bad. Do not be deceived: the whole experience is artfully crafted to reap the most satisfaction for the torturer with the least exertion from her. Each seemingly innocuous experience is added to every other thus compounding the innocent torments into a torture that Beelzebub himself would be proud to call his own invention.

Since I’ve recently been to one of these engagements, these torments are fresh wounds for me. Please, allow me to elaborate.

Children run around the hall screaming. For the most part, they entertain each other by running in circles, screaming, and generally playing loudly. At first, adults look on with a sense of nostalgia. “I remember when running in circles was the Best Game Ever,” I said just before I took a nice long sip of a strong Bloody Mary.

Adults, in a futile attempt to dodge the screeching darlings, side-step and trip over their own feet spilling precious, precious liquor to a floor sticky with years of such mishaps.

The primarily female attendees try desperately to find a way to eat without offending their precarious diets. If they don’t eat, they won’t be able to numb their pain with alcohol. Despite their best efforts they will have to go Off Diet. Also, there is always at least one female guest list is perpetually and loudly on a diet. She has no compunction whatsoever about telling other women what they should or should not be putting into their mouths.

Adults are then forced to play games at which even children sneer. Take Dress the Bride for example. This game, which is played at bridal showers, involves dressing party-goers in dressed made from toilet paper. The party is broken into groups of three or four. One member is the model; the rest, dressmakers. By the time the clock runs out, each group has to construct a dress made of toilet paper. The bride then goes around judging the dresses. The group with the best dress gets a prize.

Meanwhile, the children are still running around the hall and banging into people. Some of the ones who think they game looks like fun try to steal rolls of toilet paper to make their own dresses. The ones who think the game is stupid or who recognize it as the torture it is steal the rolls of toilet paper in order to save their loved ones! This backfires because women are naturally competitive and hate to see another win even if it is because of a technicality. (Note: I have no evidence to support this theory about the sociological interactions of women save that we continue to take part in these asinine games and actually get upset when we don’t win.)

Toward the end of the party, the bride and groom (or parents-to-be) are forced to sit at the front of the room and open all the gifts that people brought. This event is quite possibly the most diabolical because it involves everyone’s active participation in something no one wants to do.

• The gifts were purchased from a registry, so everyone knows what should be there.
• The couple has to open each gift, hold it aloft, and announce who brought it.
• If the couple doesn’t like something, everyone can see their disappointment and knows who caused it.
• Party goers are again made to be Lucky Contestants in a game called Bridal Bingo or Baby Bingo depending upon the situation of the couple. The point of this game is to mark off a bingo sheet whenever the couple opens a present and its contents are listed on your card.
• Children are still running about but they are getting tired because of missed naps and sugar crashes so they are starting to fall more and cry at every bump and any offense.
• Adults want to make the kids shut up since they have been screaming for nearly 4 hours straight.
• If something is off registry, someone announces it after the gift-giver has been announced. 

After four to five hours of consistent torture, when the party finally finishes up, everyone wants to get out as quickly as possible. No one wants to spend another minute in the hall with those screaming brats and those cheating shrews. Unfortunately, since you have been raised to be nice, polite, and helpful, you cannot stop yourself from saying, “Is there anything I can do to help with the clean-up?”